Some thoughts for Paul's speech...

Some one-liners for Paul to think aboiut using in his Thursday speech...

"The opposite of pro is con/ That fact is clearly seen/ If progress means move forward/ Then what does Congress mean?"--Nipsey Ruseell (appropriate, perhaps, in the week of his passing)

Some doctor jokes, which might or might not resonate with the crowd...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

(Those are from the great Henny Youngman's collection!)

More from the best of Henny, some drunk jokes, which also might or might not resonate with the crowd...

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Some homeless guy jokes from the Youngman collection...

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

And some of my personal Henny favorites...

"If there's a price on your head, take it"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?


How about some other sayings and quotes worth a laugh or two...

"When a guy brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason"-Al McGuire

"When it's dry, think wet"-McGuire again

"The older you are, time flies. I feel like I'm having breakfast every 20 minutes"-McGuire

"When you ask for the non-smoking section in Montreal, they send you to Buffalo"-Hank Greenwald, former Giants and current A's broadcaster

"You get up in the morning, go to bed at night, and do what you want in between"-success, as defined by Bob Dylan

Many years ago, Phil Rizzuto and Bill White were at the mike of a Yankees telecast. The camera spots an attractive woman in the crowd.
Phil: "She reminds me of that old song, 'A Pretty Girl is like a Memory.'"
Bill: "Scooter, I think that's Melody."
Phil: "Really? How do you know her name is Melody."

And, finally, some classic Jerry Coleman-isms from the distant past...

"Gaylord Perry and McCovey should know each other like a book--they've been ex-teammates for years"

"Royster has gone 6 for 7 agaisnt Bob Shirley this year--and there's a single, that makes him 5 for 8"

"Redfern won't be 22 until October...hey, he's only 21!"

Somewhere in this pile, you'll be able to find some stuff to bring the house down Thursday night!...